Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
