bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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