This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
