On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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