I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
