But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
