He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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