i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
