I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
