you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
