just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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