Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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