Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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