So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
