o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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