the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
