She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
