I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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