your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
