For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
