Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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