i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
