my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
