i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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