i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
