haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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