you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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