He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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