never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
