Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
