So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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