hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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