2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
