I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
