Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
