Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
