between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
