Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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