I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
