if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
