You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
