The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize