she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
false alarm, still single
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