just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
