my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
