Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
soo... how was my night?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize