I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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