Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
