How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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