I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
