What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
