sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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