Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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