I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
