No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
