Cold hands, warm shart.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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