I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
