The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
