Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
