he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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